Josh Meets Underaged Girl; Gets Punished By Karma.

Hey Guys/Girls I’m back as advertised so lets get this shit started. This weekend I went out for my friend Boog’s birthday and had a great time. This reminded me of something that happened to me last summer that I have yet to share with the entire internet. The story goes as follows:

Last summer me and a bunch of my friends (including my partner in crime, Alex) went out bar hopping and as always hoped to pick up some women. Almost immediately after entering the bar Me & Alex spotted a group of girls in the corner, we talked over an approach, had a drink and then walked on over. I can remember all that was said but we worked as a great team and seemed to have an “in” with the girls. Apparently, it was one of the girls’ birthday and they were out celebrating (score.) One of the friends was this really cute brunette who was in her early twenties and seemed to have a head on her shoulders. I took a liking to this girl and we chatted for a bit and then Me & Alex left to find my friends and think things over. Later in the night we saw the girls outside of the bar/club and approached them again. At this point I had alot more alcohol in me and decided to go all out for the brunette. We were talking and she was telling me about herself and we were joking around when one of those drunk phenomenon’s happened. This little blonde girl came up beside me and kept trying to talk to me. Now this girl was good looking, no question, but seeing as I already had my sights set on ms.brunette I tried to get rid of this clinger. The following remarkable conversation occurred.

Blonde (tugging on my shirt): hey…hey you’re cute…hey.
Me: Uhh, thats nice.
Blonde: Hey hunny talk to me.
Me: Im talking to your friend here. (turns to brunette) Who is this annoying bitch?
Blonde (Hanging off me): Im (cant remember, dont care) Whats your name??
Me: Umm Fuck Off.
Blonde: Whats your name? You’re really cute.
Me: Go Away.
Blonde (pulling on me): Wanna go dance cutie?

Ok, at this point I had to make one of those pivotal decisions. It was as if at that moment my life was a “choose your own adventure” book. On one hand I could continue chatting it up with Ms. Brunette, get to know her better and attempt to get some contact information… Orrrr I could go dance with Drunk Blonde who was hanging off me like saggy balls on a 70 year old man. Since I was drunk I went with Drunk Blonde. I looked over to Ms.Brunette, shrugged, and went back into the club with her friend. Me and Drunk Blonde began dancing and she was all over me. She was grinding up on me and whispered into my ear, “You’re a great dancer” which, my friends is complete bullshit. She put her arms around me and stared at me a bit and I began to put my hands all over her, this made her smile and at this point I thought, “Im in.” She started (sloppily) kissing me and before I knew it I was pretty much swallowing her tongue. I looked to see if I could spot Alex. At this point he was across the dance floor, running interference with the other friends, including the brunette. God Bless Alex because he was doing all he could to distract them from retrieving their friend from me. I made eye contact with him and he was doing some sort of wacky dance, he gave me a “your awesome look” and a thumbs up and laughed. I continued making out with Drunk Blonde when suddenly my good friend Karma reared his ugly head. As I was feeling up Drunk Blonde, thinking to myself how awesome this all was, and wondering if I was going to get laid she leaned in and whispered something to me. At first I didnt hear her correctly and eventually the pieces came together in my drunken mind. She said one thing that put a wrench into my plans, “Im 18. I came here with a fake ID for my friends birthday.” ………. Ok some of you might be thinking, “So what, she was 18 go for it anyways. Its not like she said she was a man.” Fair point. And even though I have (some) morals I was debating this in my head when Karma interrupted again. She leaned in to kiss me again when she started swaying and falling over. I held her up and then she fell again, this time into a bunch of people who promptly shoved her back into me. I was not prepared for this and I paid dearly. I was up on an elevated platform and when she flew into me I took one step down, lost my balance and she fell on top of me….I broke her fall. Everyone started to clap, I got my clothes all dirty, her friends immediately grabbed her and scurried her away and I was pissed. As they were leaving out the back door I stood up and yelled as loud as I could: THAT BITCH FELL ON ME!!! followed by the equally awesome: AND SHES ONLY 18!!!!!!!!!

I looked over at Alex and he was crying with laughter. Tears were streaming down his face and he was howling. This made me laugh but I was still pissed. He came over to me, put his arm around me and said, “Man, That was Awesome, you made my night.” I went and washed my hands and whatnot and then we both went outside to find my friends and get the fuck out of there. We saw the group of girls again and Alex went to say goodbye to them as I stayed far away, now surely being labeled as an outcast by the chicks. I saw Drunk Blonde in the corner and she ran up to me as I shook my head.

Underaged Blonde: Hey…umm…its Dave right?
Me: No
Underaged Blonde: I really like you, do you have a facebook.
Me: Yes, my name is Steve. Steve McQueen… I race cars.
Underaged Blonde (being pulled away by sensible friends) Ok Steve, I’ll add you… Byeeeee!!!

Fuck you bitch. Fuck you.

So yes once again Josh fails but at least I can tell this story and get a ton of laughs and really, thats what its all about for me.

Sidenote: I’ll be updating again soon but I urge you all to go and see the movie KICK-ASS. It is literally one of the best movies I have ever seen and I loved it. One of the best comic book movies ever made, legit.

– Josh

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