Archive for the ‘TV’ Category

If you grew up in the 80’s like me then you pretty much know what The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are (and if you don’t then kindly leave and never come back please.)  I loved anything Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid.  I had all the toys, I watched all the episodes on TV, I owned the movies, I even still have their damn green faces on hockey pucks on my shelf for shell’s sake.  So you’ll imagine my surprise (I came in my pants) when I found out that there was a TV movie released last year featuring not only the current version of the Ninja Turtles but also their 1980’s counterparts.  Without getting into any heavy spoilers, if you are a TMNT fan this movie is a MUST WATCH.  Many people don’t know that before the 1980’s cartoon the comic book versions of the Turtles were gritty, killing machines, who acted like real ninjas.  The comic was done in black and white and their was lots of blood and the turtles were taken as serious.  This makes the movie even funnier as the “new” turtles can’t help but make fun of their 1980’s counterparts and things like “Their initials on their belts.”

I haven’t watched much of the new turtles series but this made me want to start as they seem like they are closer to reality then the 1980’s version (as realistic as you can get when you’re talking about a story about ninja turtles.)  If you’re a fan of the 1980’s series everything you could possibly want is here:  1980’s shredder returns complete with bebop, rocksteady, and krang, you get to see the old turtle mobile and turtle blimp, and you get to see 1980’s Splinter and April (a great joke about her in a yellow jump suit is made.)

I was skeptical going in to watching this movie but all in all, bottom line, I thought it was awesome.  The comic book turtles also make a brief appearance and finally get to show the TV audience what they’ve been missing for 25 years.  The TMNT franchise has now been bought by nickelodeon so I don’t now what the future holds of the property but if you’re in need of your turtle fix I highly recommend this film.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go dust off some of my VHS tapes and maybe buy some old school Turtles comics… GO NINJA, GO NINJA, GO!!!

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I want to start this post off by saying that I’m a big fan of Criminal Minds and I had high hopes for it’s new spin-off show entitled, Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior. I’m not a huge fan of spin-off shows, especially since Law and Order seemingly had a spin-off from everything from SVU to Law and Order: Mall Cops but that’s an article for a different day.  I had high expectations for this show since its predecessor is so well done and was hoping the show wouldn’t disappoint.  Don’t get me wrong, the show is interesting and some of the storylines are well thought out and well put together but there is one thing (or person) that makes the show unbearable.  This man’s name is Forest Whitaker.

I’m guessing that having an Oscar winning actor for your show is some sort of good selling point  (and you need all the help you can get when the other main star on your show is Janeane Garofalo) but there is one fundamental problem with this theory: THE FUCKER CAN’T ACT.  Sure, he’s won an Oscar but this is also a man who co-starred in what is widely considered to be one of if not THE worst movie of all time, Battlefield Earth. I don’t know how one guy could, in the same lifetime, be an Oscar winner and be in one of the worse films in fucking history.  That is the sort of paradox that Doc Brown warned us would destroy the space time continuum.  I wouldn’t be surprised if all this gloom and doom and Super Moon bullshit was a direct result of the fact that this guy somehow was acknowledged at one point as a good actor.

I’m sure in some arty bullshit piece of shit movie his acting seems fine but this guy is a classic over-actor.  He has to make EVERY scene fucking way more dramatic than it’s supposed to be, he reminds me of a black William Shatner.  His acting at some point reaches laughable levels.  The way he talks, I actually at one point thought that the writes of the show took the character of Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle, made a back story that he somehow became un-disabled and joined the FBI and wrote him into the show…. HE’S THAT BAD.  It’s hard for me to take anything seriously when this guy is on the screen and that’s a huge problem when he’s the main character on the fucking show, the guy we are supposed to be rooting for.  I’m no fucking Tom Hanks myself but I always thought the point of acting was to make people believe that you are the actual character you are portraying.  I don’t for one second believe this guy is a fucking cop.  To me, he seems like a guy trying too hard and it comes off really poorly and unless cops break out into dramatic soliloquies in the middle of no where 256 times a day for no fucking reason that this guy isn’t playing a cop.    Someone should send a memo to Forest and tell him that this is a crime drama and not a production of Hamlet being performed in front of The Queen of England.  He better figure it out fast before this show turns into:  Criminal Minds: Canceled Piece of Dog Shit.

In case you missed it here’s Bill Hader impersonating Charlie Sheen on Saturday Night Live last night.  Hader’s impression is dead on and thing was hilarious. WINNINGGGGG

 

Get your pumping fists ready

You know the blog is in full swing when I start posting about the gang at Seaside Heights again. This episode was entitled, “Should We Just Break Up?” which without even knowing what the episode is about I can answer that with a YES!!! The episode opens up with a review of last week’s show which includes Sammi yelling as loud and annoyingly as she can, “Are You Friends with her?!” over and over at Ron and has no mention whatsoever of the side plot of Deena enjoying tossing dudes salads (which to me is the most intriguing storyline of this season so far.)

The start of the episode is promising as we see The Situation doing what he does best which is picking girls up at the club and taking them home to SMUSH. Ronnie gets so drunk that he refuses food and decides to try to sleep it off be of course Sammi being the loving girlfriend she is she tries to shove food into his mouth while hes openly refuses it. They tease ANOTHER fight but it is not to be and the scene ends with Ronnie puking his guts out.

The next day Ronnie wakes up to find that not only his he hung over but apparently his asshole is bleeding (maybe Situation got lonely?) So its off to the ass doctor we go to see what the fuck is wrong with Ron’s rectum…great. There were two great parts to this scene. First the doctor has his hand up his ass while Ronnie grimaces in pain and he says things like, “Is there pain now… how bout when I go deeper… how about around the rim…?” Sure there’s fucking pain your hand is up his ass!!!! If I wasn’t 97% sure MTV was run by retards id swear that this was a clever metaphor. The second best part of the scene is Ronnie commentating on his doctor’s visit by saying, “Doc you can at least buy me dinner…” then giggling for awhile before staring in awkward silence into the camera for 10 seconds too long. Apparently Ron’s ass is bleeding because he drinks too much…likely story. Anyway, as Ron laughs about putting cream on his asshole we go to commercial.

As we come back we get a fucked up conversation between Snooki, Deena, and J-Woww concerning masterbation. The conversation isnt fucked up because of the topic but because I dont want to hear about Snooki fiddling with her Jabba The Hut looking pussy. They go to a drug store (probably to buy Valtrex) and Snooki of course acts like a fucking five year old. I swear to God shes the only girl that I ever wanted to punch in the face, go figure. Then we shift to an obligatory club scene and after Deena dry humps some dude on steroids right on the patio we get Snooki describing meeting a guy at the club. She describes him as a “typical Seaside Guido” and then added, “thats what I go for obviously.” For some reason this pissed me off. This is why I HATE girls like her because they go for guys that are exactly the same as everyone else and then they wonder why the fuck they’re not happy. Oh well, she probably shouldnt reproduce anyway. Speaking of… The crew ends up back at the house and we get a shot of Snooki leading her man by the hand into her room, talk about dead man walking. Just a side note, I don’t care if anyone says differently but Snooki has a GUT. She was walking inside with a dress thats obviously too tight for her and she looked like the fucking Michelin Man. For some reason this guy wants to fuck her so either hes a) really REALLY drunk b) really stupid c) or he wants to be on MTV fucking Snooki. Snooki then realizes she has had her period and sadly they can’t fuck, dude thats probably a blessing in disguise. Elsewhere, Deena explains to the viewers that you need a “Golden Ticket to get into her draws” when referring to herself. Yeah I dont believe that for a seco- oh wait she fucked him anyway and justified it by saying “oh well, it is what it is. ” Dear God I hope I don’t have daughters.

The next day Snooki and her boyfriend hang out and seem to be having a great time (or at least as good as I time that you can have with a chud like that) and then he dropped a bombshell on her…… He was sort of/but not really/ kind of engaged/but isnt anymore…uhhh ok. Snooki freaks out and doesn’t want to see him ever again which is kind of harsh but yet again this dude lucks out, I swear this guy has someone looking out for him. This leads to pretty much the best scene in the show where he tries to call her at the house multiple times and Pauly picks up and acts like an answering machine and the dude is stupid enough to buy it and starts pressing buttons and LEAVING A MESSAGE!!! This is the shit I love about the show.

Then blah blah blah the girls go to a sex shop blah blah blah the dudes cook, Sammi and Ron fight (surprise) blah blah they show them at work, then Sammi and Ronnie are fighting AGAIN which causes Vinnie to say, “Hell must be just like this.” I’d have to agree my man. So for the last 5-6 minutes of the show instead of getting to see more hilarious hijinx between Pauly and Vinnie we get MORE FUCKING FIGHTING….. Sam says for pretty much the 1056th time in the last two seasons “im done.” Then we see clips of next week that includes Sammi dancing up on some guy while Ronnie creepily observes from the shadows and then Ron going nuts throwing all her shit around and Sammi (seemingly) leaving the house.

Ok… (takes a deep breath) I just gotta say this. I really REALLY hope this is the end of the Sammi/Ron shit. I used to think Sammi was good looking and now she just comes off as annoying cunt. They both remind you of that ridiculous couple we all now that just WON’T break up and we hate their guts. The problem is, if I dont want to be near those people in real life, why the FUCK would I want to see it on TV. I understand some of the girls who watch this show might relate to their relationship or MTV might think its a big selling point, I get it. But although it might have been intriguing television for some fans early on this thing ran its course a fucking season ago. When I watch Jersey Shore I want to laugh at MVP doing funny shit and using ridiculous methods to try to fuck girls and fist pumping. Hell, I even dont mind Snooki doing stupid shit like getting wrecked in public and getting arrested because I watch this show to laugh at them and how ridiculous it is that they’re allowed to act this way. I dont want to see another Sam/Ron fight, its not funny, its not fun, and it makes me hate the whole episode by default. I hope they get back to more MVP shit soon and less of these two annoying cunts.