Posts Tagged ‘Celebrities’

I want to start this post off by saying that I’m a big fan of Criminal Minds and I had high hopes for it’s new spin-off show entitled, Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior. I’m not a huge fan of spin-off shows, especially since Law and Order seemingly had a spin-off from everything from SVU to Law and Order: Mall Cops but that’s an article for a different day.  I had high expectations for this show since its predecessor is so well done and was hoping the show wouldn’t disappoint.  Don’t get me wrong, the show is interesting and some of the storylines are well thought out and well put together but there is one thing (or person) that makes the show unbearable.  This man’s name is Forest Whitaker.

I’m guessing that having an Oscar winning actor for your show is some sort of good selling point  (and you need all the help you can get when the other main star on your show is Janeane Garofalo) but there is one fundamental problem with this theory: THE FUCKER CAN’T ACT.  Sure, he’s won an Oscar but this is also a man who co-starred in what is widely considered to be one of if not THE worst movie of all time, Battlefield Earth. I don’t know how one guy could, in the same lifetime, be an Oscar winner and be in one of the worse films in fucking history.  That is the sort of paradox that Doc Brown warned us would destroy the space time continuum.  I wouldn’t be surprised if all this gloom and doom and Super Moon bullshit was a direct result of the fact that this guy somehow was acknowledged at one point as a good actor.

I’m sure in some arty bullshit piece of shit movie his acting seems fine but this guy is a classic over-actor.  He has to make EVERY scene fucking way more dramatic than it’s supposed to be, he reminds me of a black William Shatner.  His acting at some point reaches laughable levels.  The way he talks, I actually at one point thought that the writes of the show took the character of Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle, made a back story that he somehow became un-disabled and joined the FBI and wrote him into the show…. HE’S THAT BAD.  It’s hard for me to take anything seriously when this guy is on the screen and that’s a huge problem when he’s the main character on the fucking show, the guy we are supposed to be rooting for.  I’m no fucking Tom Hanks myself but I always thought the point of acting was to make people believe that you are the actual character you are portraying.  I don’t for one second believe this guy is a fucking cop.  To me, he seems like a guy trying too hard and it comes off really poorly and unless cops break out into dramatic soliloquies in the middle of no where 256 times a day for no fucking reason that this guy isn’t playing a cop.    Someone should send a memo to Forest and tell him that this is a crime drama and not a production of Hamlet being performed in front of The Queen of England.  He better figure it out fast before this show turns into:  Criminal Minds: Canceled Piece of Dog Shit.

In case you missed it here’s Bill Hader impersonating Charlie Sheen on Saturday Night Live last night.  Hader’s impression is dead on and thing was hilarious. WINNINGGGGG

 

Alright guys I’m back.  I was going to write a review of the last WWE pay per view but there were some issues (mainly im a lazy fuck) but I am back today with something even better.  I thought it was about time to introduce a new feature to the blog.  So without further ado (what the fuck is ado anyway?) from the man who brought you Hot or Not comes the brand new Who Would You Rather. That’s Who Would You Rather as in “Who would you Rather Fuck.”  I know I’m elegant you don’t have to keep telling me, anyway on with the show.

Kim?

Here’s how were going to do this thing.  I’m going to be comparing these two sexy beasts on looks, personality, and my overall impression of them.  I know I’m cheating a little bit with the above picture but looks wise Kim is a fucking goddess.  She’s got amazing REAL breasts, the face of an angel and a black girl’s ass (which I consider a bonus, don’t hide that baby Kim, just don’t.)  You would think that growing up  being the daughter of one of OJ Simpson’s attorneys ie: FUCKING RICH would turn Kim into a spoiled brat and obviously she’s grown up expecting a certain lifestyle but she seems pretty down to earth considering.   The only thing I would really hold against her is the fact that she’s banged A LOT of black dudes.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love black people but you know the old saying, “Once you go black, other people’s cocks just aren’t big enough.”  So that does kind of taint things for me but let’s see how her competition stacks up shall we?

...or Kendra?

On the surface Kendra seems like great competition for Kim.  She also has a great body, a nice face, and she seems pretty fucking cool.  The only difference is one is a blonde and one is a brunette, case closed right?  Whoa whoa whoa, before you start masterbating rapidly (this includes you too girls) I have to dig deeper into the personality bit here.   While Kendra seems cool enough, (she likes football and she’s pretty goofy and spontaneous) she has some personality flaws I can’t stand.  First of all, she kept the ruse of being “engaged” to Hugh Hefner going way too long.  She was all ready to marry her current husband, “football” player Hank Baskett, and she just kept denying it and saying she was “with Hef.  Now I don’t know if that was a PR decision for the show or what not but it seems more like a young hot blonde tricking an old horny ass man to me.  Speaking of Hank, what planet do these two think they live on?  On their show they keep going on and on how how Hank is a famous football player.  now, to your average idiot housewife or single girl who has nothing better to do then eat ice cream all night and fawn over how amazing both of them are it may sound like a nice story but in reality Hank is NOT that good at football.  By “not that good” I mean that he played on the practice squad (not playing in actual games) for the Minnesota Vikings who were one of the worst teams in the league last year.  This team had half their receivers hurt at one point and they still refused to play this guy.  At this point he’s better off joining the Canadian Football League.  So this bitch walks around thinking she’s the shit because she got rich showing her tits for money and her husband is a shitty football player, do we all got that straight?   You think I would stop here and call this fight officially over but I got more to rant about.  When you watch her show, Kendra comes off as the most annoying person on earth.  She acts so dumb that she may be considered borderline retarded and all she does is buy things or complain that she needs things, that or she’s complaining that she wants to get fucked.  We get it, you’re a horny slut who wants your husband’s cock, does this have to be in EVERY episode?  What is the mass appeal of this kind of show?  I understand that they may stage it so she comes off dumber than she actually is but why in god’s name would you want to do that?   Why would you want millions of people to think that you are only one intelligence level above people who can barely go a whole day without shitting their pants?  Don’t even get me started on the opening of the show. The dancing and music are so horrible that when I first saw it I thought I was watching a spoof of the actual show.  When she’s dancing she looks like she has no skill at it whatsoever which surprises me because this girl has fucked more times in her life than I’ve even WATCHED PORN.  Fucking to her is an everyday habit, like brushing her teeth, actually I’m pretty sure she’s fucked more than she actually brushes her teeth.  The point is, you think someone who fucks for a living would be better at dancing.

I honestly thought this would be closer but the bottom line is Kendra annoys the fuck out of me and Kim Kardashian is a Goddess walking the earth, so Kim wins in a fucking landslide.  If you guys disagree with me feel free to leave a comment but then again if you disagree with me you’re an idiot 🙂

It’s that time again boys and girls, the long awaited return of Hot Or Not? These by far have been my most popular blog posts and the Snooki Hot or Not article I did (here) has been looked at most then anything on this fucking site.  Side note: What the fuck is wrong with people?  Anyway, keeping with that tradition and seeing as how Thursdays are Jersey Shore days I submit for your approval: J-Woww: Hot Or Not? Lets get it on…

J-Woww Hot...

J-Woww is an interesting subject here.  Let’s not beat around the bush here and just come out and say it, the first thing you notice on this broad is her massive perfect tits…..and…uh…and….what…. oh sorry I got caught in their gaze, her chest is like a fucking Madusa’s head.  Her tits are obviously massive and perfect because they’re fake (points off if thats not your thing) but I don’t see that as a reason to penalize her here.  Her body is awesome but her skin looks pretty fucking horrible when it’s not airbrushed to shit.  If I could take airbrushed Jenni home I would in a heartbeat.  I’ve jerked off to the above picture 4 times alone while writing this article but seeing as how I am all about journalistic integrity let’s dig a little deeper shall we?

J-Woww not...

First thing I hate…THE FUCKING DRAGON TATTOO.  This thing has got to go.  She’s like one of those douchebags that wants flames or tribal tattoos all over their body, it’s not cool and it makes you look fucking stupid.  It looks like a fucking 12 year old doodled this on her for an art project… Classy.    On closer inspection she looks kind of shitty without makeup on, not Fergie esque or anything but not the greatest.  Makeup is one for the greatest illusions in the last 50 years or so.  Sometimes seeing a really hot chick without makeup is like finding out that Santa Claus isn’t real or watching Optimus Prime die in the 1986 animated Transformers film and realizing he’s not coming back….just so disappointing.  My main concern is her fucking attitude.  This bitch swears like a fucking sailor, beats the shit out of girls and dudes alike, and fucking acts like an alpha male in any relationship shes in.  As soon as there is any signs of confrontation with people she responds with either a “fuck you” or a punch to the face.  Sometimes I like fiesty women but I don’t want a chick to have bigger fucking balls than I do.  Sometimes when I watch her on TV her attitude is so annoying that I want to mute the television but then Snooki shows up and I’d give anything for JWoww’s shrill voice over anything Snooki is doing.  Ultimately this case comes down to the eternal question of: If this chick asks you to fuck would you say yes?  And Ladies and Gentlemen, I cannot tell I lie… I would fuck J-Woww faster than you could say STD.  Finally one in the “Hot” column here at the blog.  What do you guys think, did I make the right decision?  Comment, E-Mail, or Tweet me your replies and let’s see if I made the right choice here.

Get your pumping fists ready

You know the blog is in full swing when I start posting about the gang at Seaside Heights again. This episode was entitled, “Should We Just Break Up?” which without even knowing what the episode is about I can answer that with a YES!!! The episode opens up with a review of last week’s show which includes Sammi yelling as loud and annoyingly as she can, “Are You Friends with her?!” over and over at Ron and has no mention whatsoever of the side plot of Deena enjoying tossing dudes salads (which to me is the most intriguing storyline of this season so far.)

The start of the episode is promising as we see The Situation doing what he does best which is picking girls up at the club and taking them home to SMUSH. Ronnie gets so drunk that he refuses food and decides to try to sleep it off be of course Sammi being the loving girlfriend she is she tries to shove food into his mouth while hes openly refuses it. They tease ANOTHER fight but it is not to be and the scene ends with Ronnie puking his guts out.

The next day Ronnie wakes up to find that not only his he hung over but apparently his asshole is bleeding (maybe Situation got lonely?) So its off to the ass doctor we go to see what the fuck is wrong with Ron’s rectum…great. There were two great parts to this scene. First the doctor has his hand up his ass while Ronnie grimaces in pain and he says things like, “Is there pain now… how bout when I go deeper… how about around the rim…?” Sure there’s fucking pain your hand is up his ass!!!! If I wasn’t 97% sure MTV was run by retards id swear that this was a clever metaphor. The second best part of the scene is Ronnie commentating on his doctor’s visit by saying, “Doc you can at least buy me dinner…” then giggling for awhile before staring in awkward silence into the camera for 10 seconds too long. Apparently Ron’s ass is bleeding because he drinks too much…likely story. Anyway, as Ron laughs about putting cream on his asshole we go to commercial.

As we come back we get a fucked up conversation between Snooki, Deena, and J-Woww concerning masterbation. The conversation isnt fucked up because of the topic but because I dont want to hear about Snooki fiddling with her Jabba The Hut looking pussy. They go to a drug store (probably to buy Valtrex) and Snooki of course acts like a fucking five year old. I swear to God shes the only girl that I ever wanted to punch in the face, go figure. Then we shift to an obligatory club scene and after Deena dry humps some dude on steroids right on the patio we get Snooki describing meeting a guy at the club. She describes him as a “typical Seaside Guido” and then added, “thats what I go for obviously.” For some reason this pissed me off. This is why I HATE girls like her because they go for guys that are exactly the same as everyone else and then they wonder why the fuck they’re not happy. Oh well, she probably shouldnt reproduce anyway. Speaking of… The crew ends up back at the house and we get a shot of Snooki leading her man by the hand into her room, talk about dead man walking. Just a side note, I don’t care if anyone says differently but Snooki has a GUT. She was walking inside with a dress thats obviously too tight for her and she looked like the fucking Michelin Man. For some reason this guy wants to fuck her so either hes a) really REALLY drunk b) really stupid c) or he wants to be on MTV fucking Snooki. Snooki then realizes she has had her period and sadly they can’t fuck, dude thats probably a blessing in disguise. Elsewhere, Deena explains to the viewers that you need a “Golden Ticket to get into her draws” when referring to herself. Yeah I dont believe that for a seco- oh wait she fucked him anyway and justified it by saying “oh well, it is what it is. ” Dear God I hope I don’t have daughters.

The next day Snooki and her boyfriend hang out and seem to be having a great time (or at least as good as I time that you can have with a chud like that) and then he dropped a bombshell on her…… He was sort of/but not really/ kind of engaged/but isnt anymore…uhhh ok. Snooki freaks out and doesn’t want to see him ever again which is kind of harsh but yet again this dude lucks out, I swear this guy has someone looking out for him. This leads to pretty much the best scene in the show where he tries to call her at the house multiple times and Pauly picks up and acts like an answering machine and the dude is stupid enough to buy it and starts pressing buttons and LEAVING A MESSAGE!!! This is the shit I love about the show.

Then blah blah blah the girls go to a sex shop blah blah blah the dudes cook, Sammi and Ron fight (surprise) blah blah they show them at work, then Sammi and Ronnie are fighting AGAIN which causes Vinnie to say, “Hell must be just like this.” I’d have to agree my man. So for the last 5-6 minutes of the show instead of getting to see more hilarious hijinx between Pauly and Vinnie we get MORE FUCKING FIGHTING….. Sam says for pretty much the 1056th time in the last two seasons “im done.” Then we see clips of next week that includes Sammi dancing up on some guy while Ronnie creepily observes from the shadows and then Ron going nuts throwing all her shit around and Sammi (seemingly) leaving the house.

Ok… (takes a deep breath) I just gotta say this. I really REALLY hope this is the end of the Sammi/Ron shit. I used to think Sammi was good looking and now she just comes off as annoying cunt. They both remind you of that ridiculous couple we all now that just WON’T break up and we hate their guts. The problem is, if I dont want to be near those people in real life, why the FUCK would I want to see it on TV. I understand some of the girls who watch this show might relate to their relationship or MTV might think its a big selling point, I get it. But although it might have been intriguing television for some fans early on this thing ran its course a fucking season ago. When I watch Jersey Shore I want to laugh at MVP doing funny shit and using ridiculous methods to try to fuck girls and fist pumping. Hell, I even dont mind Snooki doing stupid shit like getting wrecked in public and getting arrested because I watch this show to laugh at them and how ridiculous it is that they’re allowed to act this way. I dont want to see another Sam/Ron fight, its not funny, its not fun, and it makes me hate the whole episode by default. I hope they get back to more MVP shit soon and less of these two annoying cunts.

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Seems like everyone is talking about Charlie Sheen at the moment and why wouldnt they be?  He has a highly successful TV show, he’s been in AWESOME movies such as Major League, and seemingly all he does all day is fuck/beat up prostitutes, whores, and porn stars and do blow off their various body parts when hes not slamming his penis in one of their orifices for 1-3 minutes.  This sounds all like standard “hollywood dude” awesomeness until you get reminded that he’s tried to shoot, kill, kidnap, and dismember people (all women, go figure.)

So like me you may be asking yourself, “what the fuck would make wild-thing do this?  Is it just pure hollywood craziness at it’s best?”

Well apparently, amazing celebrity blogger Tyler Durden has it all figured out. (story here)

…. This pretty much explains EVERYTHING, except the fact that despite all these revelations Charlie is the only thing good and likeable on Two and a Half Men.  Despite all I know about Charlie Sheen I just dreamt up on a conversation between the two of us and it went something like this:

Charlie Sheen:  Hey Josh, wanna hang out tonight?

Me: Fuck Yes Charlie Sheen!!!

Charlie Sheen: There’s gonna be blow and hookers…

Me: Bring it on Charlie Sheen!!!

Charlie Sheen: We might have to kill a bitch or two…

Me: Anything Charlie Sheen, just let me hang out with you… can we go visit Wesley Snipes in prison?!?!

After the overwhelming feedback I got from my first Hot or Not I am back to help you guys decide whether another celebrity is hot as hell or as ugly as that human tanned troll doll, Snooki. This time on the Docket: Katherine Heigl.

Hot...

Now at first glance, especially since she has her top off in the photo, this may seem like an easy debate.  She has a pretty nice body and overall shes not bad.  Some would say she has a nice rack and any chick willing to take off her shirt for a nationally circulated magazine must be easy, so this is a home run, right guys?  … Not so fast. I present to you Exhibit B:

or Not.

Whoa… So all those things I just mentioned above disappeared with one timely google image search.  Now I know the ladies out there will say (and I know you read this blog dont lie) “but thats not fair, every girl has days where they look like that!!”  Well ladies, I’m here to tell you The Ugly Truth about Katherine Heigl.  The issue is not that she has a plain jane face that kind of pisses me off when I look at it, the issue here is all about personality.  Women dont think men care about personality well heres a fact: not only is this bitch annoying in every single thing I’ve seen her appear in (she was alright in Knocked Up, I gotta give her credit for acting like it was totally fine for being impregnanted by Seth Rogen) but the bottom line is, shes a cunt.  There I said it.  There are so many horror stories going around about how she acts off camera, on TV sets, on movie sets that at least one of them has to be true.  She looks like a person that would make you carry her handbag around all day and wait on her hand and foot and then as your “reward” she’ll lay on her back for you for 1-3 minutes shouting instructions and telling you you’re not doing anything right until your penis retracts like a scared little turtle.  So ladies and gentlemen if you ask me my vote if Cuntherine Heigl is Hot or Not… I’d have to take a giant mcsteamy all over your parade and say no.

It looks like were 0/2 from where I sit on Hot or Not but this feature isnt up to me.  What do you guys think?  Is she hot or should we shoot her into space like they did with The Incredible Hulk?  Leave your comments below or on Twitter & Facebook or you can always email me at: bestpodcastever@gmail.com and I’ll be sure to read the feedback.

– Josh

As promised here are some of your facebook & twitter comments based on the Snooki: Hot or Not post.

– Not at all, she’s a midget. Midgets are not hot.

– ugly … a witch with blue contacts and a push up …

– She looks like an old catcher’s mitt! Do you really like baseball THAT much?

– ur full of shit josh u would fuck her for sure. given the opportunity one million percent. if u saw a girl who looked like her at a bar and it was the end of the nite and she said lets fuck, ur lying to urself if u say u would say no.

– Do Not Want! She looks like Lou Ferrigno…

– I love Snickers…I think shes cute and hell ya she can take a punch!! * Fist pumps in the air..Go Juiced Guidos!!*

–  She’s a butterface.  Everything else is hot, “but her face.” Of course paper bags are dime a dozen nowadays.
I vote hideous.

– Snooki is busted. Without that birthday cake she calls a face she’d look like Chyna, legit.

– Definitely not hot. Cute in the way that a puppy is cute, but that doesn’t mean you want to bang it.

Oh and one person sent me the link to the always hilarious “it’s a trap!!!” clip.  Interesting fact most of the people that actually liked Snooki or found her attractive were girls,  I guess I was right she is a chud.  Well theres the feedback, I’m going to upload the podcast and I’ll be back.

Is this Girl Hot?

There’s something happening here… What is it ain’t exactly clear.  Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi… For the life of  me I cant tell if this chick is hot or not.  Literally my brain and my penis are both undecided as to whether I find this girl attractive.  I dont know if I want to bang her with my body or with a stick.  Take for example Exhibit A, that picture up there: Sure, her body looks all right and she’s got some amazing eyes but her head looks like a pumpkin that was kept out months too long after Halloween.  The girl looks like a living troll doll and the beehive esque hair style isnt doing her any favors here.  I’ve maybe watched a minute of Jersey Shore (which is a check mark in the pro column for her cause if id watched more id probably find her annoying) and she looks alright when actually watching her on TV and stuff but the girl is like 4’9 or something ridiculous.  And her spandex pants and ugg boots look are not really helping.  Sometimes Camel Toe can be hot but I dont want to look at your drizzled piece of meat 24/7.  I’m not sure what “The Situation” is in my pants but its no where near a threat-level orange.  So if the powers that be granted me the power to fuck any girl I wanted, I think I’d pass on Snooki.  Anyone wanna talk me into it?

Do you guys think Snooki is hot or is she a hideous chud, cause im confused.  Write me a comment or e-mail me at: bestpodcastever@gmail.com.

– Josh