Posts Tagged ‘Entertainment’

I want to start this post off by saying that I’m a big fan of Criminal Minds and I had high hopes for it’s new spin-off show entitled, Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior. I’m not a huge fan of spin-off shows, especially since Law and Order seemingly had a spin-off from everything from SVU to Law and Order: Mall Cops but that’s an article for a different day.  I had high expectations for this show since its predecessor is so well done and was hoping the show wouldn’t disappoint.  Don’t get me wrong, the show is interesting and some of the storylines are well thought out and well put together but there is one thing (or person) that makes the show unbearable.  This man’s name is Forest Whitaker.

I’m guessing that having an Oscar winning actor for your show is some sort of good selling point  (and you need all the help you can get when the other main star on your show is Janeane Garofalo) but there is one fundamental problem with this theory: THE FUCKER CAN’T ACT.  Sure, he’s won an Oscar but this is also a man who co-starred in what is widely considered to be one of if not THE worst movie of all time, Battlefield Earth. I don’t know how one guy could, in the same lifetime, be an Oscar winner and be in one of the worse films in fucking history.  That is the sort of paradox that Doc Brown warned us would destroy the space time continuum.  I wouldn’t be surprised if all this gloom and doom and Super Moon bullshit was a direct result of the fact that this guy somehow was acknowledged at one point as a good actor.

I’m sure in some arty bullshit piece of shit movie his acting seems fine but this guy is a classic over-actor.  He has to make EVERY scene fucking way more dramatic than it’s supposed to be, he reminds me of a black William Shatner.  His acting at some point reaches laughable levels.  The way he talks, I actually at one point thought that the writes of the show took the character of Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle, made a back story that he somehow became un-disabled and joined the FBI and wrote him into the show…. HE’S THAT BAD.  It’s hard for me to take anything seriously when this guy is on the screen and that’s a huge problem when he’s the main character on the fucking show, the guy we are supposed to be rooting for.  I’m no fucking Tom Hanks myself but I always thought the point of acting was to make people believe that you are the actual character you are portraying.  I don’t for one second believe this guy is a fucking cop.  To me, he seems like a guy trying too hard and it comes off really poorly and unless cops break out into dramatic soliloquies in the middle of no where 256 times a day for no fucking reason that this guy isn’t playing a cop.    Someone should send a memo to Forest and tell him that this is a crime drama and not a production of Hamlet being performed in front of The Queen of England.  He better figure it out fast before this show turns into:  Criminal Minds: Canceled Piece of Dog Shit.

Alright, back to business today on the blog.  I had a cold/flu but that’s no excuse as I was over it 4-5 days ago and out of pure laziness didn’t want to post anything.  Luckily for me I got some people that actually want to write on the blog for me now so I don’t have to do any work if I don’t want too.  Tomorrow I will be writing about how I hate the acting abilities of one, Forest Whitaker but for now enjoy my friend Matt as he rips apart the internet’s newest sensation: Rebecca Black.

EDITORS NOTE:  The Video for the song can be found here. Also the song is fucking horrible, you’ve been warned.

Rebecca Black is a bitch. There. Had to be said. Don’t get all “oh boo hoo, she’s only 13” crap. Lots of people much younger than her have gotten in trouble for much less. By now I’m sure you’re well aware of her crimes. I will say this though; every now and then, something comes along that unites the internet. For this I give her credit. Probably not for the reasons she’d prefer but take what you can get. The song has been covered hundreds of times already. Surprising, considering it just came out recently. Kind of reminds you of some other song that’s been covered millions of times with the word “Day” in it. That’s right McCartney, everyone’s laughing at you too.

I think in her mind, she performed a light hearted pop song and expected to turn into Britney Spears. She got her wish, but ended up as the bald crazy version that everyone laughed at. Why is she a bitch, you ask? Something about this video just screams good wholesome fun. It alludes to partying but never really specifies. Yoohoo on the swingset? Don’t mind if I do! But R.B is far above this. At 1:23 she informs us “I got this, you got this, my friend is on my right”. Which is a very sweet sentiment….or is it. Note that SHE IS SITTING IN BETWEEN TWO GIRLS. WHAT IS HER RELATIONSHIP TO THE GIRL ON THE LEFT?! The song makes such a big deal about not knowing which seat to take, yet she somehow makes the wrong choice. The song should about consequences and repercussions. You know what, NO. It’s not a sweet sentiment. None of it is! She’s just stating things that are happening.

Jesus, the word Friday is said 26 times in the song, in the off chance that you forgot the title. Something about this is so Beiber like. I researched the production company and video makers. They have a large amount of videos like this featuring songs written by grown men for kids to sing. That itself is a whole ‘nother topic. It’s clear this production company is jumping on a trend of getting moderately attractive (I didn’t like typing that) children singing songs that don’t matter but with topics we all can relate to. Seat choices. Cereal. Not knowing what day of the week is next. This isn’t a dig against pop music. People who know me know about my love of a catchy melody, but this just takes it too far. It’s completely devoid of any emotion whatsoever. This is coming from a guy who paid $1.39 for an LFO song in iTunes that WASN’T “Summer Girls”. That alone earns me the right to knock R.B, as the thuggish lothario refers to her as, down a few rungs. Really. A rap break. How many years has it been since a song needed an urban breakdown. Soul Decision’s “Faded” is the last song that comes to mind. Well hell, if it’s good enough for SOUL DECISION…(Seriously, that’s how I live my life. Every opportunity I get, I have to ask myself if Soul Decision would do it or not. I’ve passed up some great things).

Like I mentioned earlier, she united the internet with a wave of mediocrity. There’s nothing about this that stands out. It’s kind of like when you’re in high school, and everyone sees the principal walk into a glass door. Now the football players are laughing with the math kids and the drama kids are whooping it up with the stoners. That’s pretty much what she did for the internet. How does that Windex taste, Rebecca?

It’s Friday, so what a better way to start off a weekend then me making fun of some more people.  Apparently, the readers of this blog (Hi Mom!) enjoy when I make fun of people.  Actually, I don’t even have to make fun of people, when I start ranting about things the viewership on the blog goes way up so let’s bring on the rants.  There a lot of things people say or do that piss me the fuck off so I thought I’d share some random ones with you off the top of my head.

 

–  Every couple of years a new saying comes along that catches on and everyone starts repeating.  One of the ones I can’t fucking stand is when people instead of saying something is “funny” they instead say, “that’s jokes.”  Another example: “Yeah that Josh guy is really jokes.”  Maybe I HAVE JOKES, but I am not MADE of jokes.  I’m funny, THINGS are FUNNY, things aren’t JOKES.  Stop fucking saying this.

– Over use of “your mom” jokes.  When I was in grade school making fun of people’s moms was funny.  Then when I got a bit older the first time I heard someone say “I fucked your mom” to someone else I laughed.  By this point these jokes are so overused that they aren’t funny and are annoying as shit.  You’ll know when a guy has absolutely no sense of humor when you’re insulting him and he breaks out the “your mom jokes.”  Get some new fucking material dude.

– People who wear Crocs.  Crocs are fucking ugly. Period.  No debate.  Ok, I can maybe understand you want to wear shoes in the pool, I can accept that but some people wear them all THE FUCKING TIME.  These “shoes” are neon colors and have fucking holes in them, don’t wear them in public you loser.

–  Saying “Bro” too much.  Once and awhile I don’t mind the use of the word “bro” it’s been around since the dawn of time.  But some guys when they are drunk are like a “bro” machine gun.  Bro Bro Bro Brobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobrobro.  I hate it, especially when someone you don’t know tries to get your attention by saying it or is drunk and starting a fight and is spouting “bro”‘s like nobody’s business.  You can get my attention without yelling bro in my face…Bro.

– People who put their whole fucking day on Facebook.  A lot of people hate Facebook.  I know some people who even refuse to sign up for it because they don’t want other people to be in their business 24/7 and I can respect that.  I think Facebook is good to connect with your friends and see what everyone is up too or (some) people’s thoughts on random shit going on in our lives.  What I can’t fucking stand however is people who put their whole fucking agenda on Facebook.  There are at least two types of these people and I currently have both types of them as my Facebook contacts.  Type 1:  They put every single thing they are going to do in their upcoming day in a list in their status.  example: Ok so im gonna wake up and get in the shower then im going to brush my teeth and go to the mall and blahblahblahfuckingblahetc.

Type 2:  Instead of writing their whole day in one post they update you the SECOND something happens in their lives.

example: 8:15am- just got coffee

8:20am: Ate a doughnut

9am: At The Gym

9:15am: on the treadmill

JOSH HATES THIS…..FUCK!!!

 

–  When people bandwagon jump or when people who don’t even like sports start liking a sport because it’s popular at a certain point in time.  For those of you who don’t really know sports a “bandwagon jumper” is someone who likes a team and then when they start doing bad that person just picks a new, MUCH BETTER team.  When I was growing up I learned that you pick a team and you stick with them through thick and thin.  If the team is doing shitty you like that team and then one day if they become good you will be rewarded for your suffering, kind of like going to church.  Since I have these ethics instilled in me it pisses me off that people do this.  I have a friend that every year during the hockey playoffs he picks a different team to cheer for because he “thinks they’re going to win” and then he adds, “but I’ve liked them a long time.”  This same person I saw in 2004 wearing a red sox hat during the MLB playoffs where the red sox would eventually go on to win their first world series since 1918.  The part about this that pisses me off is that a year earlier I asked him to go to a baseball game and he said, “I don’t fucking watch baseball man.”  UGHHH.  Also their are thousands of fucking people that don’t watch sports but if the world Cup is on they suddenly like soccer (and display annoying fucking flags out their car windows, no one cares if you’re Portuguese) or if everyone is cheering for a team they do it too because it’s popular at the time….fuck those people.

–  Okay last one for now because I’m going to have a stroke.  Hot Girls.  Whatttt you say, “Josh you hate hot girls?!?!”  No you fucking moron I don’t hate hot girls but I hate girls that think they’re so hot that they are entitled to something or that they are better than other people.  You’re genes were randomly thrown together and you turned out to be good looking it doesn’t mean you get a fucking prize or you deserve special treatment.  The sad/funny thing that these people don’t realize is that there is around 8 billion people in the world if you take out all the Asians and Indians (from India) and crackheads and ugly people that means there are millions of good looking people on the fucking planet.  You are not alone, sure you look good but so do millions of other people, congratulations whore.  They only thing I hate worse than those type of people are the people who pander to them and actually AGREE that they do deserve special treatment… Actually, I’m pretty sure this was the basis that Hollywood was formed on.

Okay, that’s it for me.  I vented and I hope you enjoyed our little therapy session.  Got anything to get off your chest just leave me a  comment below and tell me what you hate.

Alright guys I’m back.  I was going to write a review of the last WWE pay per view but there were some issues (mainly im a lazy fuck) but I am back today with something even better.  I thought it was about time to introduce a new feature to the blog.  So without further ado (what the fuck is ado anyway?) from the man who brought you Hot or Not comes the brand new Who Would You Rather. That’s Who Would You Rather as in “Who would you Rather Fuck.”  I know I’m elegant you don’t have to keep telling me, anyway on with the show.

Kim?

Here’s how were going to do this thing.  I’m going to be comparing these two sexy beasts on looks, personality, and my overall impression of them.  I know I’m cheating a little bit with the above picture but looks wise Kim is a fucking goddess.  She’s got amazing REAL breasts, the face of an angel and a black girl’s ass (which I consider a bonus, don’t hide that baby Kim, just don’t.)  You would think that growing up  being the daughter of one of OJ Simpson’s attorneys ie: FUCKING RICH would turn Kim into a spoiled brat and obviously she’s grown up expecting a certain lifestyle but she seems pretty down to earth considering.   The only thing I would really hold against her is the fact that she’s banged A LOT of black dudes.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love black people but you know the old saying, “Once you go black, other people’s cocks just aren’t big enough.”  So that does kind of taint things for me but let’s see how her competition stacks up shall we?

...or Kendra?

On the surface Kendra seems like great competition for Kim.  She also has a great body, a nice face, and she seems pretty fucking cool.  The only difference is one is a blonde and one is a brunette, case closed right?  Whoa whoa whoa, before you start masterbating rapidly (this includes you too girls) I have to dig deeper into the personality bit here.   While Kendra seems cool enough, (she likes football and she’s pretty goofy and spontaneous) she has some personality flaws I can’t stand.  First of all, she kept the ruse of being “engaged” to Hugh Hefner going way too long.  She was all ready to marry her current husband, “football” player Hank Baskett, and she just kept denying it and saying she was “with Hef.  Now I don’t know if that was a PR decision for the show or what not but it seems more like a young hot blonde tricking an old horny ass man to me.  Speaking of Hank, what planet do these two think they live on?  On their show they keep going on and on how how Hank is a famous football player.  now, to your average idiot housewife or single girl who has nothing better to do then eat ice cream all night and fawn over how amazing both of them are it may sound like a nice story but in reality Hank is NOT that good at football.  By “not that good” I mean that he played on the practice squad (not playing in actual games) for the Minnesota Vikings who were one of the worst teams in the league last year.  This team had half their receivers hurt at one point and they still refused to play this guy.  At this point he’s better off joining the Canadian Football League.  So this bitch walks around thinking she’s the shit because she got rich showing her tits for money and her husband is a shitty football player, do we all got that straight?   You think I would stop here and call this fight officially over but I got more to rant about.  When you watch her show, Kendra comes off as the most annoying person on earth.  She acts so dumb that she may be considered borderline retarded and all she does is buy things or complain that she needs things, that or she’s complaining that she wants to get fucked.  We get it, you’re a horny slut who wants your husband’s cock, does this have to be in EVERY episode?  What is the mass appeal of this kind of show?  I understand that they may stage it so she comes off dumber than she actually is but why in god’s name would you want to do that?   Why would you want millions of people to think that you are only one intelligence level above people who can barely go a whole day without shitting their pants?  Don’t even get me started on the opening of the show. The dancing and music are so horrible that when I first saw it I thought I was watching a spoof of the actual show.  When she’s dancing she looks like she has no skill at it whatsoever which surprises me because this girl has fucked more times in her life than I’ve even WATCHED PORN.  Fucking to her is an everyday habit, like brushing her teeth, actually I’m pretty sure she’s fucked more than she actually brushes her teeth.  The point is, you think someone who fucks for a living would be better at dancing.

I honestly thought this would be closer but the bottom line is Kendra annoys the fuck out of me and Kim Kardashian is a Goddess walking the earth, so Kim wins in a fucking landslide.  If you guys disagree with me feel free to leave a comment but then again if you disagree with me you’re an idiot 🙂

Oh, you thought we were done here?  I haven’t written a post in almost 4 days and there’s a lot I have to get off my chest so you sit there, read this, and you like it dammit.  As much as I hate that miserable cunt Lady Gaga, I cannot fucking STAND Chris Brown.  Last weekend all I heard whether it be Twitter or Facebook or some random person jabbering their worthless opinions in my ear all they were saying was stuff like “I hope Chris Brown does good at the Grammys.”  On Twitter THOUSANDS of people were trending #goodluckchrisbrown, wishing him luck on SNL and the Grammys the night after……. WHAT?!?!  Did I MISS something?!  You got to be fucking KIDDING ME RIGHT?!

 

Chris Brown: The Woman Beater

Do all these people fucking forget that a year ago, not three or four, or five years but a fucking YEAR AGO, this man beat the shit out of Rihanna.  If you’ve all forgotten, let me take a second and remind you all….

 

Rihanna: His Victim

He beat the shit out of her and THREATENED her life.  He plead guilty to FELONY ASSAULT and all he got was probation and six months community service and people want to wish him GOOD LUCK?!  Im sorry but this is just blowing my mind right now.  I decided to wait a couple days to write this post to see if I could calm down a bit but thinking about this makes me so fucking angry.  What is wrong with people?  This guy is a woman beater and people want him to do good?  What kind of fucked up society do we live in?  When I tried to bring this point up to some of these retards that were rooting for Chris Brown their response was, “Well he deserves it, he’s been through so much.”  WHAT………….  He’s been through so much, really he’s been through so much, what about the fucking woman HE BEAT UP?!  People are fucking stupid.  Chris Brown doesn’t deserve luck he deserves to get the fuck beat out of him or maybe shanked in an alley somewhere by people much more gangster than he is.  This guy is the biggest douchebag pussy ever.  He spends all his time beating woman but if he ever had to get in a fight with a man he’d probably piss his pants and run away.  Hell, I bet if Rihanna got the chance right now she could beat the shit out of him, actually I would pay to see that.    So in closing: FUCK Chris Brown and if you are one of the ridiculously stupid people that are actually cheer for this guy you might as well be a Nazi and I hate you too 🙂

Let’s just get the nice part out of the way before I rip into this bitch.  When Lady Gaga first came out I actually thought her first album was pretty good because whoever produced the songs on the album (too lazy to look it up) did a hell of a fucking job and made this bitch rich.  Now for one second forget about the fact that she wears retarded outfits that only moronic people would find “fashionable”, forget about the fact that she’s all fucked up in the head, and let’s also try to forget that I wouldn’t be in anyway surprised if it came out that this bitch had a dick and it was bigger than John Holmes’.  Okay, now that we’ve all done the Men In Black mind wipe on ourselves, Lady Gaga recently released her new single Born This Way and well trying to be cutting edge and original as always she blatantly ripped off Madonna’s 1989 hit Express Yourself. I actually did my research here, go ahead and listen to both songs on youtube and TELL me that this bitch didn’t try to rip off Madonna, Go ahead….I’ll wait…………………………

Rip off Artist?

All done?  Now lord knows I don’t even like Madonna at this point.  She’s old, she still thinks she looks like she’s 24, She’s too busy going to Africa and stealing babies and giving the villagers empty promises to realize everyone hates her (here), and I’m guessing that by this point her vagina looks like a Dagobah swamp.  Even so in the 80’s Madonna was the SHIT and if Lady Gaga thinks she is the next Madonna she better shut the fuck up and never sing again.  You don’t see Bruno Mars dancing like Elvis and you don’t see Justin Bieber in a mop top and a suit singing I Want To Hold Your Hand, so why is Lady Gaga allowed to get away with shit like this.  She’s not very attractive and I’m pretty sure Born This Way is a not so subtle hint to the world that she in fact has a cock… just saying.

Well nerds everywhere were either jizzing themselves to death or complaining to their moms about the official trailer for X-Men: First Class that was released yesterday (see above.)  The movie stars James McAvoy as a young Professor X and Michael Fassbender as a young Magneto and takes place during the cold war.  At the time the two were partners at Xavier’s school for the gifted and this tells the story of their relationship and eventual split and the origin stories of some mutants, including Beast.

McAvoy has been in some shit movies I dont care about and Michael Fassbender is best known as the British Secret Service Agent in Inglorious Basterds.  Fassbender should be awesome as Magneto and i’m interested to see how they build to him slowly turning on Xavier.  I’m kind of pissed because “The first class” in the comics consists of Angel, Beast, Cyclops, Iceman, Jean Grey & Professor X.  Now since only two of those have major (if any) role in this movie, I’m a little skeptical but im willing to give this one a shot.  It cant be as bad as X-Men 3 can it?

It’s that time again boys and girls, the long awaited return of Hot Or Not? These by far have been my most popular blog posts and the Snooki Hot or Not article I did (here) has been looked at most then anything on this fucking site.  Side note: What the fuck is wrong with people?  Anyway, keeping with that tradition and seeing as how Thursdays are Jersey Shore days I submit for your approval: J-Woww: Hot Or Not? Lets get it on…

J-Woww Hot...

J-Woww is an interesting subject here.  Let’s not beat around the bush here and just come out and say it, the first thing you notice on this broad is her massive perfect tits…..and…uh…and….what…. oh sorry I got caught in their gaze, her chest is like a fucking Madusa’s head.  Her tits are obviously massive and perfect because they’re fake (points off if thats not your thing) but I don’t see that as a reason to penalize her here.  Her body is awesome but her skin looks pretty fucking horrible when it’s not airbrushed to shit.  If I could take airbrushed Jenni home I would in a heartbeat.  I’ve jerked off to the above picture 4 times alone while writing this article but seeing as how I am all about journalistic integrity let’s dig a little deeper shall we?

J-Woww not...

First thing I hate…THE FUCKING DRAGON TATTOO.  This thing has got to go.  She’s like one of those douchebags that wants flames or tribal tattoos all over their body, it’s not cool and it makes you look fucking stupid.  It looks like a fucking 12 year old doodled this on her for an art project… Classy.    On closer inspection she looks kind of shitty without makeup on, not Fergie esque or anything but not the greatest.  Makeup is one for the greatest illusions in the last 50 years or so.  Sometimes seeing a really hot chick without makeup is like finding out that Santa Claus isn’t real or watching Optimus Prime die in the 1986 animated Transformers film and realizing he’s not coming back….just so disappointing.  My main concern is her fucking attitude.  This bitch swears like a fucking sailor, beats the shit out of girls and dudes alike, and fucking acts like an alpha male in any relationship shes in.  As soon as there is any signs of confrontation with people she responds with either a “fuck you” or a punch to the face.  Sometimes I like fiesty women but I don’t want a chick to have bigger fucking balls than I do.  Sometimes when I watch her on TV her attitude is so annoying that I want to mute the television but then Snooki shows up and I’d give anything for JWoww’s shrill voice over anything Snooki is doing.  Ultimately this case comes down to the eternal question of: If this chick asks you to fuck would you say yes?  And Ladies and Gentlemen, I cannot tell I lie… I would fuck J-Woww faster than you could say STD.  Finally one in the “Hot” column here at the blog.  What do you guys think, did I make the right decision?  Comment, E-Mail, or Tweet me your replies and let’s see if I made the right choice here.

So the new trend going around the internet appears to be mixing Justin Bieber with other celebrities (specifically rappers) and seeing what the fuck comes out of the oven.  First I showed you the internet sensation Bieber Cent and now I’ve come across a mind boggling yet hilarious picture mashing up New Orleans’ own Lil Wayne with The Biebs.  Prepare your eyes cause some of you may be sick……

 

Birdman Jr Jr

A beautiful Child there that any father would be proud of I’m sure.

Good Afternoon friends, I hope you’re all enjoying your Super Bowl hangovers today.  I was going to talk about the game itself or the commercials (which I had to watch online because im Canadian… dont get me started) instead I’m gonna discuss the most ridiculous part of the whole thing, the fucking halftime show.  First of all, the question on everybody’s mind: WHAT IN THE FUCK WAS THAT?!  It looked like the Black Eyed Peas took a time machine from either the future or a horrible 1980’s sci-fi movie. I shit you not Will.I.Am looked EXACTLY like Wesley Snipes’ character in Demolition Man.

uhhh wtf?

What is that thing on his head a fucking condom?  Correct me if im wrong but I don’t think rubbers on your head is the new thing (I don’t hang around with a lot of black people so I could be wrong.)

 

Will.I.Am?

Then that brings me to Fergie…… Fergie oh Fergie.  Aside from pissing your pants in front of the 162 million people watching the Super Bowl I didn’t think you could look that bad.  They gave you enough makeup to cover up all your meth sores and aside from awkwardly trying to fuck Slash’s guitar you didnt do half bad.  Wait…. did YOU pick out the horrible outfit?!  I can hear the FOX executives talking right now:

Fox Brass: Well uh, we don’t want to have another Janet on our hands so lets have this bitch dress like a line backer that way no one will have to see her gross ass clevage and the 4% of people left in America that want to fuck Fergie will now think twice.

Seriously, Fergie looked like Road Warrior Hawk out there and despite how cool that may sound that is in no way a compliment.

 

 

This man is rolling around in his grave.

We went from Linkin Park on SNL Saturday looking like they came straight out of The Matrix (if you missed it, you didnt miss much) to The Black Eyed Peas on Sunday looking like they came back from the future to warn the world that the gangs from Mad Max would be taking over in the near future.  I understand that some artists want to appear to hip and cool and “Edgy” and to be fair I don’t know if the outfits were their idea (probably) or the network’s but seriously….THIS is what you came up with.  The people in the stadium and watching at home don’t want to feel like their watching the half time show from Super bowl 134 on the Sci-Fi network.  I’m pretty sure instead of getting the crowd all pumped up it deflated them for the beginning of the 3rd quarter and did irreversible dammage to all who witnessed it.  I had the TV on mute the entire time (except for from Slash came out) and I still can’t get the IMAGES out of my fucking head.  Next time keep it simple and the half time show won’t be seen as a disaster to all who watch it.  And with that I have one thing to say: OHHHHH WHAT A RUSHHHHHHH!!!! (cue the music)